I was bullied on and off for most of my childhood. Even as I write this, I feel the need to make excuses for my bullies or downplay this part of my life. I want to tell you that nobody ever hurt me physically and that mostly I was ‘just excluded’ by the other girls. I want to tell you that in some ways I deserved it because a couple of times, unable to deal with the torment, I dobbed on my bullies to the teachers. To this day, I beat myself up for the fact that I didn’t stand up to them. That I didn’t fight back. But in the end, as an adult, and a mother of two children, I have to say that what those girls did to me was wrong. There is absolutely no excuse for bulling. Ever.
Why am I bringing this up now? I live far away from my bullies in Australia. I have a loving husband, two beautiful sons who are happy at school thankfully and a career that I absolutely love. I live in a wonderful community and have an abundance of beautiful friends who I can truly be myself with.
It may have been the subject of a few therapy sessions but other than that being bullied does not seem to have had a detrimental impact on my life. In fact, I could argue that it’s played a part in making me the person I am now. Someone who is, on the whole, pretty happy with her lot.
But when I look back on my twenties and some of my thirties, and the unhappiness I felt in my career, I can see how the long-term effects of bullying were playing out. And I wonder if bullying has affected you in the same way?
I am the problem
In Dr Mark Dombeck’s research on the long-term effects of bullying, he writes:
“Being the repetitive target of bullying damages your ability to view yourself as a desirable, capable and effective individual.”
When I was unhappy in my professional services marketing career, I thought the problem was me. That I wasn’t capable or effective enough in that career. I thought I was too sensitive and that the reason I was miserable was because I couldn’t cut it. Just as I thought that it was my fault that I was being bullied back in high school. So I kept pushing myself to work harder and put on act at work.
Desperate to fit in
I was also desperate to be liked and approved of because that was something I’d never experienced as a teen. At least not by my peers.
And in my twenties I was finally having a lot of fun. I lived in London with my then boyfriend. I had a big social circle. I wore a suit to the office, earned good money, spent it in nice bars after work and went on European holidays. I was dying inside, feeling like I was playing a part but on the outside I was finally accepted. My days of being a social outcast were a thing of the past. I didn’t want to rock the boat and do something different to everyone else. Nobody liked their job, why should I be any different? So I kept on following the in-crowd.
How I turned things around
Everything came to a head when I had my first child and suffered post-natal depression. I saw a psychologist for the first time and wished I’d have seen one sooner. I began working on the negative self-talk and behaviour patterns that I’d been carrying around since childhood, including my excessive desire to please and be accepted.
I began taking back control of my life and this made a big difference to how I felt about my career. I realised that life was too short and so what if other people weren’t happy at work, that was no longer going to be good enough for me. I could change and if others around me accepted that then great, but if not then so what, maybe they weren’t my people. Just as the bullies weren’t my people.
Of course, most of my friends and family were very accepting and supportive of my career change and I formed new networks of people with a similar outlook to life. I have many wonderful friends, but I’m becoming more comfortable with ruffling a few feathers when needed.
The process of changing career also helped me get in touch with my strengths, and I recognised how my sensitive nature, which I often blamed for being bullied, was something to be celebrated and could feature highly in a future career. I no longer blamed myself for being miserable in professional services marketing, it wasn’t my fault because I wasn’t good enough, it just wasn’t right for me.
Once I found an area that I was passionate about and where I could use my strengths, I was able to develop and excel. That has done wonders for my confidence both inside and outside of work.
If you were bullied as a child, this could well be impacting you and your career choices. But, like me, you probably don’t realise it’s happening. Changing career is not a magic wand solution and I would urge you to seek help from a psychologist or other mental health professional before making major career decisions.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you’re based in Australia, 24-hour support is available through Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 22 4636.