As I write this, I’ve just come back from doing reading groups in my son’s kinder class. This was a first for me, as I usually give any spare, kid-free, time available to growing my business or studying for my graduate certificate in Careers Education and Development. However, I’ve been suffering mummy guilt big time recently, so I dropped my youngest off to a paid babysitter this morning and headed off to volunteer at my son’s school. I had an absolute blast and the look on his face when I walked in the room was priceless. It got me thinking a lot about mummy guilt, overthinking and the importance of taking small actions to get ourselves out of a muddle.
I don’t usually like to write about myself in these blog posts. My aim is to be of service to you and help you with the things that you are struggling with in your life and career but today I thought I would open up to you about what I have been grappling with in my life recently, in the hope that it does give you some ideas, or at least help you to feel that you are not alone.
You may know that after a bit of a break to focus on my business and get my family settled in our new home, I returned to work earlier this year. I love my job. I work in the careers team of a leading university, with a beautiful team of people, doing great things to help our future generation of workers have meaningful careers. My job is wonderfully aligned with my business, close to home and I work part-time. It’s a breath of fresh air compared to the corporate marketing career that I was so unhappy in for such a long time. So, you could say it’s the dream scenario.
Still, though, I live in the real world. My husband works incredibly hard and travels a lot for work meaning, like many of you, that I am juggling school drop offs, day-care drop offs and all the domestic and life admin crap, often on my own. I’m far away from my dear mum in the UK (my choice but still a reality that I deal with every day). To top this off, I am studying and I have this business, that I love, and am ambitious about growing.
The past month, in particular, has been complete chaos. My husband has barely been here. The kids have been naughtier and naughtier, and my stress levels have been getting higher and higher. Then my eldest got sick and had to miss school for a couple of days. Which, of course, meant that I had to take time off work. Cue time to pause.
In that stillness and time together on the couch watching PJ Masks, my boy told me that he was really missing me. That he didn’t see much now that I was working. That we don’t spend any time together. Ouch.
To be honest it felt like a bit of a slap in the face after everything I’d been doing to hold it all together. Was he trying to manipulate me? Or was he, dare I say it, just a bit soft? Maybe I had indulged him too much in my time away from work and he had been spoilt. I know plenty of parents who work full-time and their kids don’t complain (I reasoned to myself as if I know what goes on inside homes up and down Australia).
Then, as I do, my brain went into overdrive. I started thinking about EVERYTHING. Am I working too many hours? Should I give up my job? Should I drop my business? Should I drop my study? Should I ask the nanny if she can do an extra school pick up so that Freddie doesn’t need to go to after school care (another complaint of his)? Should I just ignore it and let my kids harden the fuck up? Am I going crazy? Am I going crazy again? Do I need to increase my antidepressant dosage?
I unleashed my inner-mean, crazy, people-pleasing, overthinking bitch and let her take residence in my brain for a good day or two. It was NOT helpful.
Of course, I’ve been in this situation before. And I know I’m not alone.
I’m a lot better now though at recognising it and doing something constructive about it. I gave myself a couple of days to just get through the week. I tried really hard to be nice to myself. And then I journaled the crap out of my head. I got it all down on paper and having done so I realised a few things:
• I was going to bed later and I was missing my evening rituals of reading, journaling and meditating before sleep (no Netflix in our house yet)
• I was also getting up later (surprise surprise) leaving with me no time to get prepared for the day before the kids woke up. I was basically on their schedule.
• I was not spending ANY kind of focused play-time with them in the mornings or evenings. I was just trying to get through all the jobs and leaving them in front of the TV.
• I was spending a lot of time on my phone, scrolling through social media and checking my emails
• I had no idea how my son was coping emotionally at school
• My inbox was overflowing, my to-do list was all over the place and I hadn’t spent any real time thinking about my business in my months. I was really missing it.
As if by magic, my beautiful husband, must have sensed I needed some time (I am still incredibly bad at asking for it) and took the boys out for most of the day on Sunday. I meditated, exercised, planned, cooked and rested. It was amazing. And I faced the next week feeling like a new woman.
• I made arrangements with a friend to get a babysitter to look after our toddlers for a few hours on a Friday morning. I had to overcome a bit of guilt to do this (its always there) but I know they have a great time together and my friend and I both need that time for ourselves and our to-do list
• I spoke to my son’s teacher about how he was doing and arranged to go in and do reading groups for half an hour, every now and then, on a Friday morning. He had been pleading with me to do this and, like I said, the look on his face was pure magic.
• I set the alarm for 10 minutes in the morning, and 10 minutes in the evening, and spend this time playing with my kids with no distractions
• I’ve been getting to bed by 10pm. I don’t always get to read, journal or meditate but I make sure I start my wind-down at 9.30pm so when my head hits the pillow, I am off.
• I set my alarm for 6.15am in the morning and, if the small child lying next to me in bed (no I’m not talking about my hubby) doesn’t wake, I get up and journal, hang the washing and empty the dishwasher before the kids get up. I must admit, if they wake, I roll over and go back to sleep.
It’s only been a week, but things are feeling a lot calmer in the Nesbitt household. My guilt is still there but I know that I am doing my best and my kids have responded well to the small changes. I guess it’s a fact of life that sometimes our kids will be disappointed with us. But I am trying to maintain perspective and keep moving forwards. Whilst they take me away from my kids, my work, my business, my studies and the other small things I do for myself make me a happier person and a better mum, I think. And when I feel like it’s not working, well I need to have the wisdom and courage to make changes. And those changes don’t always have to be big ones.
I hope my oversharing has helped you in some way. This might not be the career advice you’ve come to expect from me, but I think we all know that as mums, it’s impossible to separate our careers from our lives as parents. Guilt and overthinking can be real barriers to career and life happiness. I know plenty of us suffer from mummy guilt. If you know someone who can benefit from reading this then please pass this onto them.
Take care