Stress, tiredness and overwork have become the new normal, especially for working mums. Back in the early days of trying to juggle work and family, I would complain to my husband about how tough it all was or share my frustrations with my other working mum friends over a glass of wine. “It’s normal” or “everyone’s doing it tough” they would tell me. In other words, stop complaining and get on with it. After a while though I began to think why is this normal? Just because everybody is doing it tough, it doesn’t mean that it’s right? Does it?
That’s when I secretly started following life coaches online and finding out about career change. Finally I took the plunge and booked in to see a coach myself so I could work on my self-care and career change. Four years later, having left the corporate world behind, I know that actually it’s not normal to be stressed, tired and overworked and it certainly is not right.
Still it’s very hard when we’re in the trenches of motherhood to look up and see what’s going on. For me, these were the five signs that I was stressed, tired and heading for burnout if I didn’t change my life.
- I was always tired. Of course during the baby stage you would expect this but when I was back at work and the kids were sleeping through the night I was still tired. Even when I had 8 hours sleep – I was still tired! Looking back now I think it was a combination of physical and mental exhaustion – I was always on the go. But also I wasn’t feeding my body enough of the right foods or getting any exercise. I was seriously lacking in energy.
- I couldn’t switch off. Not ever. And I used to pride myself on being good at relaxing – my husband nicknamed me the world’s greatest sleeper when we first met! I guess there was always something to think about it, as a working mum, but even when I had periods of time to rest, albeit few and far between, I would come up with things to think about. My brain was so used to being kept busy – it was like I was addicted to it.
- I checked my phone and emails constantly on my days off. Now as you know, I was not in love with my job but I really just couldn’t leave it behind. Ever. I worked part-time and on my days off with my kids work was always there in the back of my mind, and more often than not in the palm of my hand too. Of course, it’s ‘normal’ to check your emails occasionally on days off work (when you’re not being paid to but don’t get me started on that) but I was doing it ALL the time. I realise now that this stemmed from fear. I didn’t feel good at my job in the early days of going part-time because I was still comparing my output to full time Denny. I was terrified that something was going to go wrong on my days off and my inefficiencies would be found out. So I tried to stay in control from afar and kidded myself that I was spending time with my kids.
- Sometimes I forgot to eat. I was so busy running round after the kids on my days off or getting errands done that I would forget to eat. And then when I remembered I would tell myself, oh just grab something when you’ve done x, y, z and then hours would pass before I remembered again. Getting by on zero nourishment was not only dangerous to my health but it made me pretty cranky to be around.
- I was relieved when my friends cancelled our social arrangements. This was probably the biggest tell-tale sign for me that things weren’t right. As an introvert who values alone time to recharge, not seeing friends was a really easy trap to fall into. I was trying to do so much and I was tired so I thought that letting my social life slide a little bit wouldn’t hurt but it did. We all need our friendships and we need a change of scenery too. Life can’t be all work and all kids. Now I schedule in time with my friends the same way I schedule in other important appointments and when an arrangement is cancelled I am genuinely disappointed rather than relieved.
When my clients come and talk to me about changing career, they are usually exhibiting these 5 signs of stress, tiredness and overwork. And are often caught in the trap of thinking that it’s totally normal to feel that way. Here are 5 things I encourage them to do:
- Acknowledge what’s going on and commit to making change. It is really difficult to overcome the constant stress, tiredness and overwork if you believe that it is a normal and expected part of life as a working mum. Whatever you send into the universe you get back. So if you keep putting the message out there that it is fine to feel stressed then that is all you’re going to get back in return. Yes, we need to have realistic expectations about this phase of life and you might not be able to do all the things in life and work that you were able to do pre-kids (at least not at the same time) but that doesn’t mean you should put up with feeling like shit. OK rant over.
- Prioritise sleep. You absolutely must prioritise your sleep. I know it is hard because we have so much to do and we often have little people waking us up but it is precisely for those reasons that you need to get enough sleep to function. Getting through the day is hard and adequate sleep is your number one tool for functioning at your best. I’m sure you will have read this before but you NEED to work out the number of hours’ sleep you need to function at your best and subtract that from the time you usually have to wake up. There you go, that is your bedtime. Set a reminder half an hour before that bedtime so that you finish up what you’re doing and start to wind down. And then wind down in the way that suits you best. Read a book, journal or meditate. Stay away from your phone.
- Set boundaries. You need to set some boundaries around the times that you are available to work and when you are with your family or resting. This really is not as hard as it sounds but requires discipline on your part. When I was checking my emails constantly on my days off it was pretty pointless – most emails that came in did not require my attention and I was wasting time reading about the fact that there was going to be a fire alarm test or some other office trivia. Commit to only checking your emails at certain points of the day. Once I committed to setting boundaries I did this at lunchtime when my kids were having quiet time. And then I made it clear to my colleagues that they could phone me if they needed me urgently. Guess what – I don’t think they ever did! Which brings me to my next point …
- Delegate. I was very fortunate to work with a real kick ass team of people that I could trust to help me out on my days off. The major problem was me not delegating so I learned how to do this and really the best way to learn this skill is practice. Start with something small and work your way up to more challenging tasks. You also need to delegate on the home front too. A lot of us think we can do it all or we at least try to (and fail miserably) but you need to delegate to your partner or enlist paid help if you can afford it.
- Get organised. Schedule in rest, exercise and me-time and treat it with the same respect that you would a doctors’ appointment or work meeting. Get in the habit of planning your weeks and days ahead of time. You don’t need anything fancy to do this just a calendar and the notes section on your phone. You need to get all this stuff out of your head and on paper (or screen) and once it’s there you can assess whether it’s realistic to expect that much from yourself. If not delegate, schedule for a later time or let it go.
I hope I’ve helped you to realise that it’s not ok to be stressed, tired and overworked and given you some tips that you can implement to make your life easier. If you would like to discuss some easy ways to bring more ease into your life then you can contact me for a free working mum SOS session. Half an hour to strategise some solutions to your biggest working mum issues. Quick and powerful.